***ARSE

With only a couple of nerve-jangling days until the 2008 Australian Football League Grand Final, there are serious questions that need to be answered. Which team is likely to have a better rotation through the middle- Geelong Cats or Hawthorn Hawks? How many behinds will Hawk goal kicking machine ‘Buddy’ Franklin kick during the match? Will Geelong coach Mark Thompson eat one or two hamburgers with the lot during the second quarter? Will Shane Crawford’s pearly white teeth blind the assembled crowd when he finds himself in a tight situation during the singing of the national anthem? Will Gary Ablett Jnr stop crying before the first bounce because he lost another Brownlow Medal? Will Hawthorn coach ‘Small Al’ Clarkson be able to spark his team better than Port Adelaide coach Mark Williams did in 2007 with his team the (switched-off) Power? Will low-profile Hawthorn President Jeffrey Gibb Kennett (former Victorian Premier) be able to cope with his team’s potential landslide loss? With only 44 players playing the match, and each responsible for doing the “one percenters”, who will be held accountable for the remaining 56 per cent? Trust you enjoy the big game and consume plenty of meat pies and beer – it’s your duty.

I broke a tooth on organic chocolate. Tomorrow is my birthday. These two events had better be unrelated.

Hello y’all, / I feel so down, frustrated and embarrassed that I have to take a break from RB for a while…..... / .....some alone time of quite reflection….......a retreat….. / please read my apology letter / sent to you all and especially to Michael Sheridan / Hope you all will understand. / Sincerely, / Jotham

More fun and games, from the world of email…. ‘Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board. As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it’s third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it’s side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. / —-—-—-—-—-—-—-——- / Mr …......, I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards / PC …..................... / Community Beat Officer / —-—-—-—-—-—-—-——- Dear PC …........... First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it’s own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ….............. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar. Regards I remain sir, your obedient servant

I was recently sent this and it seemed churlish not to share it. Subject: How to amuse yourself in Tesco`s / This letter was recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Oxford : / / Dear Mrs. Murray, / / While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: / / 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking. / / 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. / / 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. / / 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3’ in housewares….. and watched what happened. / / 5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area. / / 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove. / / 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ / / 8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. / / 9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. / / 10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible’ theme. / / 11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels. / / 12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’ / / 13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’ / / And; last, but not least: / / 14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’

For Michael Sheridan / and to all my RB friends Dearest Michael, / Please accept my sincere apologies to the trouble i’ve caused you…. / Yes, you are absolutely right, the iguana picture in my art is exactly the photo incorporated in my bride-zilla work…apparently, this same picture (and a lot more) was given to me by a friend who told me he had some pretty cool iguana pictures of which he wanted me to mess around with… / It is my fault that i didn’t ask him where he got it from….and apparently it came from you of which I am totally unaware of….all the while I really thought they were his…coz he likes to collect exotic animals….. / Again I’m so very sorry….. / I am so embarrassed when I found out from the comment you made…that I had to delete it….and I always give due credit to collaborations… / So, with your kind permission, I would be posting your work with a link to your bubble site, coupled with an open apology letter….or I can totally delete it from my file / Again all apologies, the art that I did was done in good faith….. / Hope you can forgive me….. p.s. I called up this now ex-friend of mine and reprimanded him of his actions, reminding him of copyright infringements laws on pictures he downloaded through the net and God knows from elsewhere….God I $%#!# HATE him… sincerely yours, / Jotham / NavyBrat